Let me start from first, I don't really like my parents relationship, it was arrange marriage, i don't see any respect or love here, they are exactly opposite from each other, what i only see is just compromises of my mom, my dad he's just so stubborn, if I consider him as a normal person nd not my father, I really admire his qualities like passion, persistent, stubbornness, he's someone  who's not gonna give up easily,  but if i consider him as my dad i don't really like him,  to me he's  a problem,  i have soooooo many resentment towards him because he cant treat mom right,   he's so abusive,violent, not ready to hear any opinions or whatsoever, Mom she's really sweet and all i see is that she's accepting all these because of use, she's forgiving nd warm nd hardworking,  the thing is she thinks that these are all normal and its okay to compromise,  She to me "You've  to be tolerant about these pretty matters or else  any kind of marriage will break". I don't know i just don't like their mismanagement, they are not understanding at all.  I really don't want to be in a situation like them. Now comes my part,  I love someone, I have been in this relationship with him for about two years, At first I had to go through a lotttttttt to adjust with him,you know  he's exactly opposite of me,   when i felt the spark, when i felt that yes it is, this is what i have been looking for, he's the one,  gradually i started opening up to him,  Gradually he became my favourite, he became my bestestttt friend because i could tell or share everything with him without being judged, i was never this close to anyone else before,  i have 2/3 friends, they are like my mates for good times just but not close, because they're are judgemental and i feel like they will judge me too so eventually i end up not sharing anything with them,  I am that type of girl who never shares anything with anyone, but he's the one i shared everything,  he used to make me feel so safe and warm and loved,i finally felt like a baby with a safe surrounding, i used to do a lot of weird sttufs with him,i used to be so happy after a longghg time, i used to trust him a lott, but something happened,  I am in a dilemma now,i am so scared that he will leave me someday or cheat me or even if we get married he'll  be violent  and abusive,  now i dont feel free with him anymore because he judges me now,  that comfortzone just got vanished, i cant sleep thinking  what if he leaves me or what if he just don't let me fulfill my dreams, what if he becomes the obstacle to my dream?  I am afraid,  i don't know what to do,  i am in a dilemma to trust him nd then not to trust him, i cant sleep, Even if i am sleeping i get nightmares so then i get up nd sit for a while then try to sleep, when i wake up from sleep i don't feel good, i feel exhausted, i feel like biting the pillow or just punch the bed or me instead,  my hand  my legs they just don't feel normal,  i feel aggresive,  sometimes vomiting starts nd i cant breathe properly, my head it aces nd i feel dizzy nd i feel the weight of my own head, everything around me starts getting dark nd  everything just stops for a while.  I feel like he's  my problem that i cant either deal or solve,  i don't know what to do,  i am going crazy Now let me tell u about me,  i love to be alone because i love my me time  because i can be all my self nd i love to stay home because i can be myself in my home too and no one's judging me here,  i had to go through a bad phase in my childhood -One of my relatives tried to rape me,  he touched  me badly,  i wanted to scream but i couldn't,  i didn't  tell this to anybody but him, not even my family,  well my family wont get me because of their cheap mentality and they would  just tell me to  get over it somehow  because you know it just happended, from then they mean literally nothing to me,  the definition just changed, so now i count very less people,  eventually i am ending up being alone,  don't know what to do,  after that incident i changed and none noticed but for a moment i made me forget that event nd lived happily but soon i became sadist nd rude then i became numb,i didn't cry i didn't laugh, for several years i didn't cry, i loved my nanu so much, even in her  death i couldn't cry, i just stood still keeping my hand in her forehead of her dead body,  but When i when i met him he helped me getting me out of all those traumas,  i really pushed me a lot to get out of the situation,  i was sufferings from nightmares too,  i used to see things that i could do but didn't, regretting but finally i cope up with that,  i was happy then hut now i feel like a shit nd crazy,  I just want to get over it,  also i react way too much these days,  my mom tells me that i over react, i overthink, I am messed up, all i want is to punch him and puke my resentment out. Also i have dreams and goals in my life, i want to study abroad  nd complete my graduation, i want to live life and travell with my own money and i want to feel free,  after completing graduation i really want to do something inspiring, i want to open a platform where i will render help like people like me, i really want to make my dream come true then i want to have a cute little family where we wont judge eachother, where my children will be safe and happy,  understanding and no violence, Helpppppppppppp me pleaseeeeee....

Dear subscriber,Thank you for your question. I understand there is so much you have faced and facing currently that it is putting immense pressure on me.I am sorry to hear about your situation, but it is commendable how strong you are. You love your significant other a lot and you do not want to be shackled by him, rather be in a comfortable relationship with him? Would you be able to explain why your comfort with him vanished and you think he might be an obstacle to your dream? What has changed suddenly? Is it okay to share? Maya Apa is waiting for your answer.Thank you.

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